Open Letter to Scream Straw Co Inc.

Dear Sirs:

I wish to congratulate you on the quality manufacture and design of your Jack-o-lantern design Scream Straws, and offer my compliments to the engineer responsible. Not only does the straw work as advertised, glowing red and emitting terrifying screams when liquids (other than water) are consumed through said straw, but the surprise Halloween feature was an unexpected bonus.

Much like the Tickle-Me-Elmo surprise of 2001, your engineers crafted an ingenious trick. As soon as the clock hit midnight, local time, and it was officially October 31, 2008, the Jack-o-lantern straw began to scream intermittently even though no liquids were being consumed and the straw was stored in the dish drainer. The erratic nature of the screaming at such an unexpected time only added to the sense of fear and anxiety that the straw intentionally provides. Following your instructions, we ensured no liquids were trapped in the straw, and returned to bed, only to have the screaming start back up just as we drifted back to sleep.

Unable to find another solution to the problem, the Jack-o-lantern straw spent the remainder of the overnight hours inside the refrigerator to muffle its continued screams. I’ve always wondered what happens inside of that appliance once the lights are out, and apparently it is not a pleasant place for the Scream Straw. When removed from the chill chest, the Scream Straw was so exhausted from the horrors that it experienced inside, that it was unable to utter a peep for several minutes, until it composed itself. It then returned to its semi-hysterical state and faintly and hoarsely screamed for the remainder of breakfast.

Unfortunately, you should have a stern discussion with the Skull model engineer(s). Through this, the Skull model remained perfectly functional as advertised. It works only when liquid is consumed, and it did not pick up on the significance of the date. This failure should be reflected in the annual performance review for this employee, and a written reprimand should be made part of his file.

On second thought, is this perhaps a poorly advertised “special prize” akin to the Tickle Me Elmo Surprise grand prize? As I have a Scream Straw that continues to scream randomly, regardless of consumption, is there a cash reward I may redeem it for? Tickle Me Elmo Surprise provided a $200,000 payout, but I would be more than happy with a $100,000 prize, half of the TMES amount.

I may be reached at the below. I anxiously await your response and large cardboard check.